What to Consider Saying Instead of “Don’t Take Things Personally.”
Some who knew me as a child might say I was born too “sensitive,” for this world. Those who knew me in my 20s might label me as “dramatic.” In my 30s, I would be accused of “directness” and of being at times (my least favorite, most weaponized word) “emotional.” By my 40s, I learned to emotionally regulate most of the time, unless I was forced out of my comfort zone into overly aggressive social situations. Large corporate meetings are my kryptonite—not as a speaker, I can speak in front of millions, but if you ask me to make small talk with 200 people, I’d prefer to walk on glass with bare feet.
Really, I am someone who struggles from social anxiety disorder (SAD) and as a child and young adult struggled to emotionally self-regulate when faced with harshness or conflict. My anxiety can manifest in all of the ways listed above, and my natural default IS to take EVERYTHING personally. Most introverts with SAD take things personally because we spend most of our lives in our inner worlds. Regardless, whenever I feel any emotion about what someone has said or done, the mostly well-meaning people in my life seem to relish in telling me to “Not take things personally.” Sigh…
What these individuals don’t understand when they tell a person with SAD “not to take things personally” is that for “those with anxiety or fear in situations where they may be scrutinized, evaluated, or judged by others,” not taking feedback personally is a Herculean feat. And, yet I have heard this largely unhelpful feedback throughout my life.
To make sense of the phrase “Don’t Take Anything Personally,” I traveled back to being an eager 22 year-old, and reading Don Miguel Ruiz’s heady masterpiece, The Four Agreements. When Ruiz speaks to the Second Agreement: Don’t Take Anything Personally, he explains that each person lives in their own dream (or nightmare) and that what they think or say is a reflection of their internal narrative, and not of our behavior. Ruiz considers caring about the opinions of others to be a cosmic waste of energy, because what they think is actually about themselves and not us.
While he has a solid point, and caring what other people think is a colossal waste of time and energy, using the second agreement to counter a friend or colleague left feeling like garbage by someone else’s treatment can be a gentle form of gaslighting. The phrase, though well-meaning, is the equivalent of being told to get over something, perhaps before we are ready. In addition, the perpetrator of said remarks or judgements gets off scott-free while we are left with the homework of not taking their mistreatment personally.
Then again, maybe we are the one in the wrong, who did something that hurt someone’s feelings. I would argue that we should definitely take intentional or unintentional harming of others to heart. If more people were concerned or even aware of how their behavior affects other people, we would live in a much kinder world. Evaluating the effects of our own behavior requires Emotional Intelligence (EI) “which is the ability to manage both our own emotions and understand the emotions of those around us.”
So what should we say to friends and colleagues who are completely defeated by someone’s actions or words? I prefer one of my dear mother’s favorite expressions “consider the source,” in place of “don’t take things personally.” By telling someone to consider the source, we are saying whatever comments or criticisms came our way, should be evaluated based on the character of the individual and the nature of the comment. Considering the source requires awareness and emotional intelligence.
When we consider the source of our despair, we are not immediately writing off the feedback or comments, nor are we taking on their message wholesale. Instead, by considering the source, we can reflect on who said the thing and their potential motivations, while discerning what we want do with the feedback. Considering the source is more difficult at times than outwardly discounting bad behavior AND yet so much more empowering!
When we consider the source, we have several empowering options:
We can decide to ignore the commentary should we deem it unhelpful or the individual not credible.
We can ask questions of the individual about their motivations, and then make a choice if and how to react.
We can reflect on our own behavior and seek to understand what part we may have played in the conflict.
If we did something wrong and are made aware, whether or not it was intentional, we can own our actions and apologize.
So, the next time a friend or coworker comes to you distressed about an altercation or harsh piece of feedback, instead of suggesting not to take it personally, instead tell them to consider the source.
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Hi, Im Kacy! I empower individuals & teams to live and work with more purpose & greater alignment. Follow me on LinkedIn and Instagram: @kca_fleming! Subscribe to my 📰 letter👇👇to get the latest information! Looking for support through the menopause transition? Check out The Fuchsia ⛺️