5 Tips to Avoid the Black Hole of Not Enough-ness (aka. Perfectionism)
If you have NEVER felt not-enoughness, I envy you!
At this moment, I am sitting in an empty Zoom room waiting to see if anyone is going to show up and ask me questions about my new business. So far, crickets…Can you feel the awkward silence as I type this post?
My first instinct (gut reaction), is to listen to the “annoying party guest in my head,” you know, the one you didn’t invite and can’t get to leave.
The voice that tells you, Of course no one came! You’re not enough and you never will be! What made you think YOU could do this. You’re not special.
Uncomfortable yet?
Fret not, I didn’t stay in the land of self-flagellation for long, and in a short bit, I am going to tell you how to reframe these feelings.
For chronic perfectionists (recovering or not) all these voices and feelings happen automatically. Perfectionism has nothing to do with actual success and in most cases perfectionists tend to be high performers. In fact, I was speaking to two brilliant psychologists, just yesterday about their own feelings of inferiority and their inability to celebrate a huge milestone in their own lives.
“Not enough-ness” (perfectionism) is not a catalyst to success, nor is it a driver to motivate us out of that stuck place, but rather a maladaptive way of managing deep seated fears that we are flawed. Perfectionists tend to hold ridiculously high standards for ourselves and see achievement as an ‘all or nothing’ game. Achievement is binary. We either win or lose.
Many times, “not enough-ness” is someone else’s narrative playing over and over again in our minds—a fear that wants to hold us frozen in a safe familiar space. Perfectionists are also prone to seeking external validation, which is particularly harmful when trying something new that has perceived risks to others.
So how to we get that annoying black hole of a voice to leave us alone?
We don’t. Not completely anyway (If anyone figures out a way, please prove me wrong).
We become aware of our perfectionistic tendencies.
We love and acknowledge that tired old voice for trying to protect us and treat it the way we would a child throwing a tantrum. We leave our inner perfectionist crying in the toy aisle of Walmart (It’s OK! We will only be one aisle over), and we move forward. We reframe our perceived failures and celebrate our milestones no matter how small they seem.
Here are five tips to shift from “not enough” to “good enough.”
Do the damn thing-Whatever it is that we are afraid to fail. You know that thing we have been putting off. Open the business, ask the person out, splurge on the European summer vacation, run for office. Or, just write the blog post or sing in the car with friends. I’m not advocating putting ourselves in harm’s way, however, you are unlikely to to meet your maker from writing from the heart or hopping on a dating app.
Taking action is the single best way to quiet not-enoughness.
But what happens when no one likes my post, or the person says no to a date. How do I quiet the voice then?
See steps 2-5. Then try again!!!!
Utilize positive affirmations or mantra-Think Stuart Smalley of Saturday Night Live fame, I am good enough. I am smart enough and doggonnit, people like me.
Kidding aside, Psychology Today recommends this practice “to decrease feelings of powerlessness in our lives, help us see past the challenge in front of us, increase our self-competence, promote a positive self-image, reconnect us to our core values, and foster positive emotions.”
My go to mantra when I am down on myself: I am limitless (cheesy, but effective).
Write these words down and place them somewhere you look every single day, like a bathroom mirror or the fridge door!
Avoid the “compare and despair” situation-Turning to other people’s successes as a means to self-abuse is disastrous.
We know that looking at social media when we are down almost always make us feel worse, and yet the second we reach the valley of despair, the scrolling starts.
In a good frame of mind, social media can be uplifting and fun, but in the case of a rainy day, we will always find something in our feeds to make us feel crappier about ourselves.
When I am down, I like to look up famous people who struggled before they became successful. Not because I want to see them fail, but to remind myself of what it takes to succeed!
List your accomplishments (to yourself)-No, seriously, write those suckers down on the page and stare at the list anytime you need a lift. Be sure to update the list regularly with new wins (size, in this case does not matter)!
Maybe you haven’t written your first post, but you bought that domain you’d been eyeing for your blog.
Small right actions lead to big changes, but if we don’t stop to recognize the small wins, the big victories will continue to elude us.
Speak to yourself like you would someone you loved-You know, that old chestnut, self-compassion (I felt an immediate need to find the origin of that phrase and have linked to the story above. You’re welcome)!
As hard as it is to love ourselves in these moments of desperation, we oddly know exactly how to shower beloved friends with words of kindness and wisdom. Turn that compassion inward. You are after all, the only person you will spend your entire life with…
Need help getting started on that project you’ve been putting off? Want to build helpful habits that do not involve doom scrolling, check out my Work With Me Page!