Five Ways to Avoid People Pleasing Tendencies in Relationships
One of the first and most frequent pieces of advice received when other entrepreneurs learned that I was leaving corporate life, was not to be surprised or upset if those closest weren’t as supportive as expected.
They said, support would come instead from places and people I barely knew
They weren’t entirely wrong and trying to stay positive and open, has been one of the most emotional lessons of this entrepreneurial journey so far.
Before weaving the exceptions into some ridiculous “tale of woe,” I opted for turning the mirror on myself to see what I might be doing or NOT doing to increase these feelings of abandonment.
Not surprisingly, my patterns of people pleasing were deeply involved.
In my research, I came across this quote from Jon Mead:
“When you can give without expecting anything in return, you have mastered the art of living.”
Clearly, I have not mastered the art of living. Have you?
As card carrying people pleasers we often:
Give time and support others from a place of integrity
Work hard at our vocations because it feels like the right thing to do.
Care for people out of the goodness of our hearts.
And yet, when those feelings and efforts are not returned, it can feel kind of crappy (the technical term for how it feels).
For people pleasers, this lesson can be exceptionally hard to learn, but is so important for the avoidance of unnecessary suffering. We often over extend ourselves, bulldozing our boundaries, just to be liked.
Needing to be liked by everyone is insidious and is so detrimental to both relationships and individual well-being.
Here are five keys for avoiding people pleasing in relationships:
Hold fast to personal boundaries: No one trashes personal boundaries as quickly as a people pleaser.
Cultivate awareness of what matters most, the things that feel uncomfortable, and the behaviors of others that are unacceptable. Creating and maintaining boundaries is one of the best ways to protect ourselves against feeling put out. When someone asks us to do something that doesn’t feel good, we need to do ourselves a favor and say “no.”
And we don’t need to think up elaborate reasons for saying “no.” I see you fellow people pleasers!
Question urges to be overly supportive: I feel this tip in my bones. I am not talking about encouraging and championing your people. Hype YOUR people all day long.
However, there are THOSE people. We all have them. Who consistently ask for support both monetarily and emotionally, but always seem to go radio silent when we have something cool going on. They are always around when they need help or some extra love, but when times are good, they are not calling us.
We need to ask ourselves why we are continuing to support the unsupportive. Most likely, it has something to do with our feelings of needing being liked by them.
Let go of those who aren't present in relationship: This tip is some tough medicine. It can feel really scary to let go of relationships that aren’t in alignment with who we are, especially when we are in the process of making changes, like starting businesses. Maybe we have been holding out hope that when the time comes, these friends will show up for us. When we get that pit in our stomachs upon seeing that person’s Instagram feed or thoughts of the friendship keep us up at night, it is probably time to let go.
Letting go, doesn’t me we need to have some big dramatic fallout, or cut them dead. It simply means recognizing that what we are putting into the relationship, isn’t making it’s way back, and that is not okay.
We need to head back up to tip #1 and put a boundary in place around our relationships with these individuals.
Trust gut instincts about people and opportunities: This goes back to that nagging feeling in our bellies.
How many times have we felt something to be off, and proceeded to gaslight our own intuition?
If you could see me right now, I look like that eager girl in school, raising her hand and bouncing up and down in the chair to answer a question.
Why, oh why do we do this AND when will we ever learn to trust our instincts about people. They are almost always right. As Maya Angelou famously said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”
Be ok with not being liked (this one is SO hard, right?): When I was a little girl (and even this year maybe) my Mom and I had this conversation.
ME: Why doesn’t so and so like me
MOM: Do you like everyone?
ALSO ME: Of course not.
MOM: OK then. Let people not like you either.
DEFEATED AND HUMBLED ME: Stews quietly, knowing Mom is right AGAIN.
I get it. We all want to be our one friend who is seemingly liked by and likes everyone, but if we were that person, we would not be reading this blog post and that is ok! Protecting time and energy in this always-on world is a critical skill, and one that I will likely be working on for a very long time.
If you need assistance creating and maintaining personal and professional boundaries, let me be your guide on the side. Book a consultation here!